A-COLD-WALL (The weather, sorry Samuel Ross)

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Brrrrrrrrr, hang on to your britches bitches because I've been binge-watching Gossip Girl and have renewed my passion for sounding like a fake Kristen Bell. Since I've already broken my profanity limit, can we please address how heckin cold this side of the equator is??? Being a born-and-raised Vancouver gal, I complain about even the slightest changes to temperature because I'm actually just an all-powerful lizard overlord in a meat suit. But okay, one day I was so cold and so soaked in the bland slush from the sky that my tearducts started producing salt water to melt the icicles hanging onto my face. You think Jordan Peele writes a good screenplay? Well my melodramatic overtures beg to differ. 

"But Patricia, why don't you just wear more clothes?" 

Okay, I know it's obligatory as a cool gal in the PNW to have a Patagonia down and a North Face fleece smothered onto my body but if I had around $500~ (give or take) to spend on clothes, you bet your sweet cheeks that I would buy another pair of Rachel Comey jeans (probably these) without blinking an eye. I also understand that puffers were really cute this past season and I can foresee the fast fashion companies continue to mass-produce them until every teenybopper has one for FW18 but as the only daughter of immigrant parents who had really never expected a daughter, puffers remind me of a time when I threw a tantrum having to wear a huge, hand-me-down down jacket and idk, probably then got beaten by a house slipper. *strikes an instagram thottie squat with my coat half-on exposing my bare shoulders in the snow* Ya bishhhhhhh. 

Okay the only person allowed to do this is RiRi and/or other pisces bishes like me cuz the world is too damn cold-hearted.

Okay the only person allowed to do this is RiRi and/or other pisces bishes like me cuz the world is too damn cold-hearted.

Okay, my mans George can do it too. 

Okay, my mans George can do it too. 

P U F F Y B O Y E 

P U F F Y B O Y E 

Also, what's the deal with cuffing season with this weather? Valentine's Day is over and a summer body is slowly emerging from the layers of chocolate and bread but it's still freezing?? Is it too late to re-enter cuffing season for a human-sized space heater or should I just wait until my empty sheets feel like a blessing from the AC gods?? Are people still cuffed? Do people still wanna be cuffed? Am I using this vernacular slang correctly? I'm too uncool for this crap.

SPEAKING OF CUFFS. 

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This is how you identify any "cool fashion guy who is an intellectual but also just a dude" in any somewhat angsty metropolitan city now in 2018. Sure, this used to be a thing back in 2015 or whatever but it ain't NICHE anymore. Carhartt, some f*cking indie-cool start-up brand, the dollar store-- take your pick from a general CLUSTERF*CK of noggin toppers, scalp warmers, parietal lobe huggers. Just make sure you cuff it up, roll your rim, pinch the top... Wait a minute, why is this taking me back to 6th grade health class?

But seriously, I can't be the one to judge. I use this this hat as a filter for potentially pretentious dudes on Tinder. As in, I swipe right to this hat because I'm a hypocrite and I secretly love yanking these off boys' heads. To be fair though, I'm really only interested in burritos in tiny hats these days. I know guac is extra, but the hat??? Free with a date with your aloof/friendly/cynical/dreamy/stoic hip dude of your choice! Do you have a tinyhats account repping your city? If not, I don't wanna be that person but...

@TINYHATSNYC (credit for the collage pic)
@TINYHATSVANCOUVER

I have standards, thanks.

I have standards, thanks.

Thank you @fakeyeezyboosts.

Thank you @fakeyeezyboosts.

Whomst mans is this! 

Whomst mans is this! 

Anyways, it's cold and I have bad circulation and I live in a house built hastily in the 1980s so let's just say it's extra draft-y up in hur. I'm gonna go now because I've run out of anger/enthusiasm to talk about "winter trends" and I'm scared of people not laughing at this and then dm-ing passive-aggressive comments about my writing and sense of humour.

Actually, slide into my dms. Is it still cuffing season????????